I am not new to blogging. I have another one but good luck finding it. I cannot believe how difficult it is to find ORDINARY people who are Catholics and blog. Honestly, it shouldn't be that hard...and it used to not be. AI, algorithms and greed are certainly working hard to ruin the internet.
So, if you find me, congrats. I am not typing this to become some sort of influencer or whatever it is that drives people to want to be on everyone's radar. I am just an ordinary 60 something person who lives in a very very rural area who has a problem with small talk or closed minds.
If you don't like what I write, you have the "x" button. If you can relate, feel free to connect.
Let's start with a silent retreat I went on 10 months ago. I looked it up and it is on again this year and I am debating whether or not to go again. But this time I want to go with my own terms...a SILENT retreat. I don't mind going to the talks but don't make me read aloud or answer questions. Let me absorb and ponder within and then if I have questions, during that two hour window they give us to go speak to the Priest or other speaker, take it to them then. Being put on the spot on subjects I do not understand makes me not hear the messages being told. My mind is too busy racing in a panic like when I was a kid, dyslexic and terrified of being ridiculed AGAIN. It is funny how back in the day a kid like me was labeled lazy or distracted when I had all I could do to read and deal with an alcoholic home life. Rather than create a ruckus I tried to disappear.
Anyway, because I am a long fallen away Catholic who was confirmed not that long ago I am no expert on the doctrine or dogma of the church. I have the knowledge of a child as the only time I was in church was when we visited Grandma and CCD. So what is offered as blogs online is WAY above my head and mind numbingly boring. Sorry.
What has brought me back, sorta? Well it certainly isn't our local churches that are full of MAGA bigmouths. It is not the fight about Latin services vs. conventional. It isn't pro-life that doesn't give a rat's ass about ALL lives. Nope. It is my Grandmother's story, my friend Mary, an ex-nun (who is 92) and Dorothy Day. And perhaps a little bit of Fr. Frank who talked to me last year at the silent retreat as I cried and despaired my frustrations. He told me my train of thought needs to be heard in the local church. It is funny how I just. cannot. make. myself. go. back. I want to but something like an invisible wall keeps me from doing so.
It also doesn't help I'm one of those with a chronic condition that is, of course, invisible, hence the title "dizzy"...not meaning stupid but literally light headed, off balance and vertigo. Stress brings it on. Movement brings it on. Crowds and loud noises bring it on. The moon and star alinement brings it on. Who knows. All I know is I am stuck with it and will spend the rest of my life dealing with it.
So, what do I want? I want a form of spiritual counseling I guess. I want honesty. I want truth and compassion. I want quiet and silence and respite from the chaos of everything. I want people I stand on the street with every Saturday protesting to see God in everyone, even that guy shouting and tossing the finger. He's lost too.
I told myself a couple weeks ago all the bravado and fakery we see is just that. No one truly knows what lies beyond life. That is why it is called faith. That is why we have many many examples from all walks of life (thank you Dorothy Day for being REAL) to learn from. None of us are pure godly souls. NO ONE. We are all just a bunch of lost sinners gathering in a building trying to be that one perfect soul. I wish we'd act like it.
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